Showing posts with label copypasta. Show all posts
Showing posts with label copypasta. Show all posts

June 18, 2017

Every time NeonOctopus is suspended, I feel sick to my stomach.

Pics_nao_plz 1 hour ago#1
I have a custom script running on my PC that I commissioned a computer science student back in college to write, where it constantly refreshes GameFAQs to check the status of NeonOctopus' account. If the script detects the status has changed to "Warned" or "Suspended", it will send a text alert / email (in case I don't have my phone) and I can immediately react.

This evening was an evening like any other. I was hanging out at my crib (street vernacular for "house") with some of my friends and we were watching Wednesday Night Football (we tape Monday Night Football and watch it on Wednesday) and drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade.

Let me tell you boys, we were are completely Hard (slang for drinking many Mike's Hard Lemonades) the entire time. I looked over at my buddy and I could see he had a Hard one right in the front of his pants! I thought that was funny because normally we put them on coasters on the table. I realized my own Mike's Hard was getting low and I said to my buddy "hey, can you toss me another Hard one?"

He informed me that we were all out and I'd have to get more Mike's Hards. I figured I could just have a swig of his and asked if I could put my mouth on his Hard one. He laughed, because we were both drunk and would normally never do this (because of germs; sharing a drink is disgusting), but eventually he gave in. I grabbed the smooth shaft of the bottle and just as I was about to put it in my mouth, my phone rang. 

NeonOctopus was Suspended.

I howled. I let out a howl so loud and piercing that it woke up my son. I normally make him go to bed on Wednesday nights at 5:30pm partially because I don't want him to see me getting Hard with other men (the kid doesn't need to be exposed to heavy drinking at his age) and also because he's an annoying little s*** and is usually asking questions about football, as if he were a nerd or something.

Tears rolled down my cheeks. I didn't know what to do. I kept refreshing the GameFAQs page, hoping that this was some kind of mistake. Maybe some moderator was intending to remove a post praising the KKK but had accidentally clicked on the innocent NeonOctopus link. Alas, this was not the case.

By this point, my friends were all visibly upset and I noticed they were trying to leave, even though we were only part of the way through the game. "No!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I was inconsolable. I began thrashing about, throwing my collection of decorative throwing knives all over the crib (apartment). One knife struck my Native American friend, Big Bear Jim, in the neck. Blood gashed from his open wound, staining the carpet a deep red and splashing the walls. A sickly iron scent loomed in the air as Death claimed Big Bear Jim.

My son knew he needed to act quick. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small crucifix. "Dad!" He yelled. "Remember how Christ died for your sins? Well, NeonOctopus did the same thing. He will live in our hearts forever, and hopefully in 3 months he will rise again from the depths of purgatory and post wonderful stories about Japanese culture on CE again." 

At that moment, I knew my son was right. My rage quelled. I tossed Big Bear Jim's corpse into the dumpster and put my son into the Punishment Closet, as he had broken one of my most important rules of the house (never make eye contact with me). 

Anyway, I really just miss NeonOctopus and I think the mods should reconsider his suspension. 

tl;dr - free NeonOctopus 

Lol

June 17, 2017

Adam_Smith

Adam_Smith 5 days ago#1
Allow me to explain. Last night, I received a text from my girlfriend telling me that she was "craving the BBC." I thought this was odd because she normally does not watch much TV, and is not really into British television.

She told me that she had sent me the wrong text message, and that she really meant that she missed me, so I hopped in my car and headed on down to her place (even though she was being nice and said not to come over, that I should get rest for work tomorrow, etc).

When I got there, she was wearing a towel and I immediately noticed something was off. The sheets in my girlfriend's room were a mess and her clothes were all over the floor (she is normally very neat). I thought nothing of it though, said Konichiwa, and we sat down on the couch to watch some BBC shows. 

Now as many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so as we sat down and watched TV, I knew something was wrong. I turned around and looked at the closet, which I noticed as ajar. I thought that was odd.

"Tracy Tran," I told my girlfriend, "I am going to use the basurumu (bathroom for you gaijin). Arigato. I will be back after the toilet bowl gods have had their fill of my brown loaf." 

I walked towards the bathroom, and as I went there, I noticed that among my girlfriend's clothes were some articles clothing that were neither mine nor hers - a pair of baggy jeans, a Supreme hoodie, a pair of Jordans, and a NY yankees fitted cap. I saw the closet door move slightly and knew something was up.

I ran to the closet door (as my girlfriend started screaming), threw open the door, and in the closet was a large fully nude white man. 

I immediately went into a rage, and utilized techniques from the hours of vidya that I play daily to subdue the man (blitzball to the dome). As I was prepared to execute the man (as is tradition in Japan), my girlfriend begged me to stop and explained what happened.

"I lied to you earlier when I said that craving the BBC meant British television," she said. "What I really meant was Bodacious Belgian Chocolate. This man's name is Thomas Janssens and he is a chocolatier from Belgium that was going to prepare a chocolate fondue feast for us to eat on our anniversary. He informed me that he needed to get fully nude to prepare this feast, as he did not want to ruin his $3k worth of Hypebeast clothing."

"However," Tracy continued, "as you have ruined the surprise and the chocolate, for our anniversary I will instead get to have another sexual encounter with a craigslist man of my choosing."

I bowed to both Thomas and Tracy and told them that I understood, and immediately left, as I just realized I had forgotten to pick up my son from school that afternoon.

Anyway, my question for you CE is, do you think violent video games make people more aggressive? I know in my case that they do.

June 15, 2017

Discrimination

  1. Boards
  2. Current Events
  3. I was discriminated against last night.
Adam_Smith 11 hours ago#1
I think I've told a few people around here, but for those of you that don't know, my wife has been pregnant for a while now. The pregnancy was tough on her, but was even tougher on me, as her constant vomiting, weight gain, and general discomfort was a real drag. I found it hard to eat, sleep, watch anime (in its native Japanese language, and not with those stupid f***ing subtitles you gaijin use), and play video games. It was a rough 9 months.

Last night, as I was playing an intense quick match of Overwatch, my wife told me that she thought her water had broke, and that she needed to get to the hospital. I groaned and howled at her "YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS!" but after two more games, I relented, told her to get in the backseat of the Civic and drove her to the hospital (after stopping at Taco Bell for a quick Baha Blast).

When we got there, I told my wife that I would be in the delivery room with her because the hospital staff refused to allow me to hook my PS4 up to the waiting room TV. Now as many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so I decided that it was as good a time as any to pull out my vape and chase some big clouds.

As soon as I started vaping, however, a male nurse came up to me and starting giving me a problem. "Excuse me," he said. "You can't do that in here."

I was shocked. In all the years of my existence, I've never been vape-shamed before and did not know how to respond to such bigotry. I considered karate chopping this male nurse out of existence, as I knew that his parents were likely not proud of him for his career decisions, but I decided to fight him with logic and reason instead. 

I took off my cowboy hat and looked the nurse straight in the eyes. "Are you aware that in Article 10 of the US Bill of Rights, it is stated that the powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution are reserved for the states." My wife started whining about pain or something and I threw my Baha Blast at her to shut her up. "Now, I don't know about you," I said to the nurse, "but I don't see any clause in the Constitution about vape laws. This is a state issue, and I am stating that I need to vape right now."

The male nurse got extremely angry and his face grew red. "I hate America!" He screamed. "And I hate freedom! I disagree with your strong, traditional values and I also believe that we should say Happy Holidays during the winter months so nobody feels left out."

At this moment, I knew what I had to do. I put back on my cowboy hat, tightened my bolo tie, and flipped the "Overdrive" switch on my vape. I then proceeded to rip the biggest, fattest cloud I had ever ripped. When I exhaled the vapor, it came out in the shape of a crucifix, and this divine cloud flew right into the face of the male nurse.

The male nurse screamed as the flesh melted off his face. He collapsed into a puddle of blood on the floor. The other nurses looked at me, shocked, as I continued to rip fat clouds. All of a sudden, I heard the faint sound of clapping, which then grew louder and louder. A woman emerged from the shadows who I knew as none other than Hilary "Rockin' Rodham" Clinton.

"Hello," HRRC said to me. "I was in this hospital delivery room ready to feast on the soul of your unborn child, but when I saw you bravely stand up for the US Constitution, I felt a change stir up in me," HRRC smiled. "It reminded me of why I became a Powerful White Woman in the first place. As your reward, I'd like to offer you a $100 Best Buy Gift Card and one wish of your choice."

I bowed. "Thank you, Rockin' Rodham," I said. "For my one wish, I wish that I had two $100 Best Buy Gift cards."

"It shall be done," said Hilary, and like that, she was gone.

Anyway, has anyone on CE ever been discriminated against?
Every nation lives by exchanging.
green butter 11 hours ago#2

June 3, 2017

Bang Sluts Copy Pasta

Have some fucking confidence. Leave your bedroom. Go to a fucking club. Sluts are everywhere waiting to be fucked.

Wanna know the steps? Identify a girl you think is hot. Make sure she is in a group of all girls (they never go alone and if any fags are there they are probably boyfriends or beta losers that will kill your game on your approach).

Anyways. Talk to the girl you think is hot. Doesnt fucking matter what you say. Dont need to prepare shit. Just make sure you make it clear you who you wanna fuck. Be cool about it. Make them laugh. Get the chick by herself. Get her number Try to fuck her that night.

If it dont work, then text her. Meet her alone next night. Make it clear you wanna fuck, fuck.

end.

You faggots think its hard? lmao. I fuck several girls on the side. I fuck one one ngiht. Fuck a different the next.


Youd be surprised how fucking easy it is to fuck a girl. They text me their tits too.

Pic related

May 24, 2017

Premium Response AE0223

There he is. There he goes again. Look, everyone! He posted it once again! Isn't he just the funniest guy around?! Oh my God.

I can almost see your pathetic overweight frame glowing in the dark, lit by your computer screen which is the only source of light in your room, giggling like a like girl as you once again type your little cabbage thread up and copypaste your rant. Or maybe you don't even copypaste it. Maybe you're such a disgusting NEET that you actually memorized it, so you just choose the thread. Oh, and we all know the pasta. The "epic" cabbage guy, isn't it? I imagine you little s*** laughing so hard as you click it that you drop your Doritos on the floor, but it's ok, your mother will clean it up in the morning. Oh, that's right. Did I fail to mention? You live with your mother. You are a fat f***ing f***up, she's probably so sick of you already. So sick of having to do everything for you all goddamn day, every day, for a grown man who spends all his time on gamefaqs posting about a goddamn vegetable. Just imagine this. She had you, and then she thought you were gonna be a scientist or an astronaut or something grand, and then you became a NEET. A pathetic cabbageposting NEET. She probably cries herself to sleep everyday thinking about how bad it is and how she wishes she could just disappear. She can't even try to talk with you because all you say is " LIFE IS LIKE A CABBAGE LIFE IS LIKE A CABBAGE LIFE IS LIKE A CABBAGE." You've become a parody of your own self. And that's all you are. A sad little man laughing in the dark by himself as he prepares to indulge in the same old dance that he's done a million times now. And that's all you'll ever be.

May 21, 2017

use this cut to make fun of DLC lovers

Roxborough4Ever posted.

this is because you BEGGED for the dlc with your 360's and ps3's.....now you got it....DLC out the wazoo

sims 1 & 2....billiards tables....sims 3, where is the billiards tables? oh, the dlc! there it is!

grand theft auto 3, vc, sa......ALL had TANKS...gta 4, where are the tanks?

The ballad of Gay Tony.....they there are! thanks for the dlc!!

you keep buying your DLC off the cutting room floor

you ACTUALLY believe that they devs are coming back together months after the fact to make "add-ons" for the game, and its no a conscience effort to sell you what they've held back on.

you are DESPERATE to not see the reality.....



September 23, 2010

After spending $300 on grocerys, the customer is always within his right.

So I was at my local grocery store here in Texas where the high was 105 degrees. I buy nearly $300 worth of groceries. Big items too. I'm talking huge bags of dog food, cases of water, soda, shit like that. I go to a check stand where I notice an elderly woman is sacking the groceries. She had to have been at least in her 70's and she was probably the only bagger there at the time. I tell her to pack as much as she can into the bags. I also requested paper which is a little harder to carry cause there aren't any handles on paper bags. So after about what seemed like 15 minutes, the old bat finally finishes sacking the groceries and putting them back into the basket. As a common courtesy, the cashier asks if I'd like someone to carry my groceries out to my car. She probably assumed I would say no since the only person available for such a task already had one leg in the grave.

WRONG.

The cashier looked at me in complete disbelief after I requested a carryout. So the nice elderly lady begins pushing the 700 lbs. cart as I quickly walk back to my truck. Did I mention the parking lot is at an uphill slant? I look around and witness the disbelief in the faces of the other patrons as they watch me walk in front of this poor old lady who couldn't have weighed more than 85 lbs. soaking wet, pushing my cart up hill in the blistering Texas heat.

So as soon as she gets to my truck, I hop in and start the car and blast the AC. I guess I should also mention that my truck is nearly five feet off the ground. So after about, I don't know, 20 minutes, she finally finishes loading my truck up with my groceries. She goes to tap on my window to let me know that she's finished. I politely nod and quickly back out and speed off into the sunset as I lol my way home. Felt good, man.

September 22, 2010

Going for my second penis inspection this month...

First was for college, the second one is for my part time job.

Most places don't have penis inspections anymore, but if you're unlucky enough to live where they still do them, there really isn't anything you can do to get ready for it.

The guy has you drop your pants, and usually checks your balls first for lumps and whatnot. He doesn't have to squeeze very hard to do this, but sometimes they do, just to be mean. Cold hands are also very common. He'll wear gloves, unless he's a fag.

Then a visual inspection of your penis, looking for lesions, warts, anything indicative of an STD. You'll probably be fine there, virginfag.

The worst part comes at the end, with the glass tube going up your urethra. I think they're using some kind of plastic now, which is much safer, but it still hurts like hell. Once he pulls it out and wipes a swab with it, you're done. They send the sample off somewhere and if you don't hear anything back within a week or so, you've passed.

Good luck, and remember not to cry. That really makes you look like a pussy.

September 21, 2010

Relationship On The Rocks, Advice?

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with her. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night something odd happened. She had come over to play WoW and had forgotten to sign off of AIM after she left. It was whilst I was going through her buddy list that I noticed my mage had just been two-shotted by a rogue.

Should I stick with my mage or should I play a class with more survivability?